For the last six months Pauline has been trying to arrange for a group of us to go to The Church at Kentish Town. It seems to be an institution here in London, well since 1979 anyway, for antipodeans. Having moved venues at least five times in the last nearly 30 or so years the flock has nevertheless followed until today the congregation numbers in the hundreds.
I wasn’t actually sure what to expect with The Church except that I thought it was going to be as dirty and disgusting as the Walkabout with lots of really really drunk and sleazy revelers and not much else going on. Therefore I was pleasantly surprised at how today turned out. Sure everyone was pretty much wasted not too long after noon (probably something to do with the three-drink-drink-cards you purchase at the door) but for some reason it just seemed much more relaxed, friendly and that everyone seemed to just be there to enjoy themselves. Everyone talks to everyone so there is no posing – thank goodness!
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To make the bar more efficient, and its in the interest of The Church to get as many drinks out there as possible seeing as how there is only a 3.5 hour window for it, you purchase drink tickets which entitle you to three drinks at a time. And if you can’t hold three drinks at once handy plastic bags, which look oh so elegant when attached to your jeans, are supplied. Of course singles can be bought but why go through the hassle of getting only one drink when you can get three! 🙂
The Church is very serious about making sure everyone has fun and that no one is hurt or that nothing wrong happens therefore all around the room there are Church Wardens standing guard. Today there didn’t seem to be too much need for them though perhaps that was the point of their presence.
So, what exactly makes The Church different from all the other pubs in London? Well, it’s the whole package I guess – unlike anything I’ve experienced anywhere else. This is the Order Of Service according to the website:
| 1 | A Warden will welcome you to The Church | This the build up of anticipation as everyone lines up outside starting at 11am (a full hour before The Church begins its service.) The Wardens walk up and down the line ensuring no one is misbehaving (there are strict policies against drinking on the street) and sell you the three-drink-drink-cards. This is the chance to also eye up those who have come in fancy dress. |
| 2 | Time to get into the spirit | This is the time for the hymns – an anthem of classic rock tunes that has the room rocking and everyone belting out at the their loudest. This really does get the energy levels of the crowd up. |   |
| 3 | It’s Show Time! | After some generally lewd comedy by the MC comedian its time to get the show on the road. Today we were privileged to have a male and female strippers. That’s right – the highlight of the afternoon – the strippers! Its supposed to be very light-hearted but I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be any of the victims today. The female stripper was particularly risqué with her victims. Lots of cream and even fire at one stage. When she first came out she stripped down to her underwear and went topless. We thought that was it because then there was a 20-30 minute break for drinks and more singing and dancing by the crowd. Then the show started again and the male stripper came out. He did a lot of posing around on stage and teasing us but when he stripped down didn’t the wolf-whistling start. To my surprise he took everything off and then did things that, I’m blushing now, I can’t possibly mention! Then the female stripper came back out and this time she also took everything off and proceeded to do even more disgusting things, if that is even possible, than the male stripper. It was all quite funny to be honest. |   |
| 4 | Now for the Boat Race. | After a bit of a break it was time for the Boat Race which is basically a competition between teams of about 4 or 5 to see which team could skull a can of beer the quickest (each member having to skull theirs before passing on the baton so to speak.). It was funny and entertaining but a wet t-shirt competition (the alternative event) might have been even more funny and entertaining. Ha ha. |
| 5 | Finally time to party hard! | To close out the day more classic rock songs were belted out and all girls were invited up on to the stage to strut their stuff. As is the usual case one girl, at least, got carried away and threw her top off. The funniest bit was when the Church Wardens wouldn’t let her retrieve it! |   |
In addition to what was going-on on stage there is a camera person who does the sweep of 
the crowds and projects the video/still footage on to the two giant screens next to the stage. If there is one guarantee at The Church it is if you’re a girl and showing cleavage you will be picked on!
I had an absolute blast at The Church today and though I probably wouldn’t become one of the weekly faithful as an Aussie or Kiwi you can’t really say you’ve been to London until you’ve had The Church experience. Therefore gather your mates and turn up at 12 midday any Sunday for an afternoon of singing, shenanigans, dancing and of course drinking. You won’t regret it.